Champagne curls

I love you in the sunlight.
Champagne rays glint on your curly hair, indecisive in its coloring. Sometimes mousy brown, sometimes sunny blond. The light illuminates each ringlet into shining gold.
Peaceful, loving lips.
Open, easy, beachy, sandy blue eyes.
Contrasted perfectly with tanned and freckled skin.
Perfumed skin, warm and inviting.
How I would love to wrap myself in you.
Comfortable.

I love you in the moonlight.
Sometimes supine, open.
Alternately upright, close to me.
Muscled arms supporting a flesh framework
for a mind far exceeding it.
Thoughtful comments,
with perfect silences.
Hesitation.
How I would love to hear all your thoughts.
Intriguing.

How is it that I cannot believe that you are interested in me, but I can see how perfectly we fit together? I never want to lead myself again. I don't want this body- take it. I don't want my selfish desires any longer- please, take them, too. I want to be one flesh.

it wasn't a dream

I can't believe this happened last night.

Michael came and visited me at work. But before he walked in, Bianca called him over and asked, "what are your intentions?" When he was silent, she asked, "What's going on between you and Victoria?" And he remained silent again. Then, she said "The hesitation was enough. And you're a good guy, so I don't need to tell you to watch out." Then Michael said, "we're still friends... but we're more than friends."

But I didn't know about any of this until much later. When he walked in, I felt a sudden bubbling joy and anxiety. It made me so happy to see him. It's his eyes. The right one, in particular. So I took the chance to take out the garbage, and he walked with me. At this point, I nervously smiled at Bianca... and (apparently) he smiled at her too.

I was just ridiculous the rest of the night. Just bubbling with happiness. I'm pretty sure I did a good bit of jumping. I feel bad for my coworkers.

And now, I just can't believe that's true. That Michael really does like me. He really is interested in me. I can't believe how blessed I am. I have no idea why he talks to me. And I'm completely dumbfounded as to why he is interested in me. But I am so glad.

I thought of all the years I spent without any sort of boyfriend. And I would have gladly gone three more years for this. This is so worth it. He is so worth it.

good day sunshine

Last night was so great. I met Michael at the duck ponds, and we talked for a little while, then played some guitar/violin. He told me about all the things he does while skating, and he told me about skate videos. When I responded incredulously about the fact that they make videos about skating (which still confuses me), he started laughing and said "the way you say things sometimes... it's so funny". I'm glad I make him laugh, without even trying.

Then I went with him to meet Andrew at Panera, but he wasn't there. So we looked in Starbucks, and he wasn't there. And then we went to the library to find him. We spent somewhere around forty minutes searching every floor of the library for him. It was so much fun. So then, we went back to Michael's apartment, and hung out for a while. I just can't believe sometimes that he talks to me. That he cooked for me. When Andrew came by a little later, we all talked for a while, and Andrew kept making awkward comments. When we were talking about the definition of "cute", he kept saying, "Mike's cute, right?". And when Michael said that he associates cuteness with mannerisms, Andrew said "whose mannerisms, Mike?" and they were both laughing. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I really hope they were talking about me. I'm in so deep.

I don't know why I keep posting these things. But I feel the need to write about them as they happen. Even if it's the same sort of story over and over again.

Christian Philosophers tonight. Andrew, Michael, Kevin, and I went to Beef's afterward. Andrew and Kevin left. Michael and I stayed, talking. We talked about time, and music. At one point I quoted Einstein- "the time spent sitting next to a pretty girl- that's relativity" (or something like that). Michael said that was very true. I hope he was thinking of me. I think we'll be hanging out tomorrow. So I'll probably post something about that soon.

I always say this- but this time I truly think it's different. I think I love him. I don't think I'm in love with him... but I definitely could be. I will be if I keep this up.

have I found you, flightless bird?

Again, Sunday night. We were together, alone, talking for several hours.

I'm so worried this will turn out badly.

you're the reason I love losing sleep

Last night I went to a potluck at Kaleisia... mostly because Michael was going. We started out talking with other people. But eventually, it felt like it was just us.

I really don't know how to put this. But something happened. I don't think it could be described with words. But I feel like something changed, and now we're more than what we used to be.

I so wish I could describe this.

But when we were in a room full of people, we were alone.
And when I hugged him, it felt right.

then, I didn't really...

To the left is a picture of facebook mocking me. It knows what's (or who's) on my mind.

Tuesday, I went to the Christian Philosophers meeting. And at one point, Michael took out his journal, and started writing. I took a glance, and I could read only these words:

"Then, I didn't really"

I've never wanted to read something so badly.

for they shall see God

I went to church with Michael and Andrew today.

The church service was nice, very informative. The people there were very friendly. It was a wonderfully small church. Andrew's uncle is the pastor. I feel like it's the first time I've really learned something in church. There was also communion. With pita bread as Christ's body. And Michael broke off my piece of bread. Which seems so insignificant at face value- but it felt like more. Like he is the only man I'd be willing to follow. He can provide me with Christ's body. He could be the head of me, as Christ is the head of church. I think I'd like that. This was the best communion I've ever had. I think I love him. And yet, I'm not sure if I want to date him or not. It seems as if dating would cheapen our relationship. But I want to be tied to him, to be the most important person to him. To have a reason to be with him all the time.

But I doubt he feels the same way. Am I just another friend to him? How will I ever know if I am anything more?

He just invited me to go to church with him :)

answered prayer

I truly enjoyed my bible study tonight. Something I've been praying for for a while. Finally. Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am full.

And I really want Mike. I can't stop it.

You are too much for this world
too much for me
too much for others to notice
too much for many to care.

Do you know how good you are?
How did God expect us to receive you?
I try not to worship an idol,
but my reverence for you remains.
You alone make me guilty of...
myself.
As you are somewhere far ahead of us,
yet you claim you were below.
Far nearer to the angels,
than our base humanity.
Constantly you challenge the world
without asking us to join.
We cannot comprehend it usually.

Do the others notice this?
Or am I alone in this ravishing appreciation?
this ravaging appreciation.
I do not deserve a breath of you,
yet you share it.
And still I long for more.

I doubt you could fathom my need for you
because you have no need for me.
Do you need at all?
A dream, that I could help you in some way.
Some infinitesimal matter in which I,
lowly, could aid you.
But, without Providence, never.

You are too much for me.

didn't want any promises, just your undivided honesty.

Lately.

I haven't posted in a while... I'm not sure that I'll get everything down quite right. Should I work backwards? Or should I attempt to move chronologically? I don't think the order matters much, so I will just list these events in the order they occur to me.

Starting with two nights ago. There was supposed to be a "Jesus, Friends, Nature" meeting, but no one showed up except for Mike and Evan and I. Evan left after a short while, and Mike and I just talked. For a very long time. Until 3 am. We talked about, oddly enough, "life, God, death and your family". It was extremely interesting. I feel that I can't really chronicle the exact conversation, as if that would somehow cheapen it. But I want to remember the conversation. But I think it will have to suffice to say that I learned quite a bit.

Then, last night. I went to Andrew and Mike's apartment, where we watched Into the Wild. And ironically, this character represented exactly what I need to work on in myself, exactly what Mike and I were talking about the night before. That "happiness [is] only real when shared". And that I am incapable of that, and that he used to be incapable. It was quite perfect. Then I stayed for a while, and we talked about assorted philosophical/theological topics.

So I'm not sure what's happening with Mike. I would be ridiculously lucky to be anything more than friends with him. I am ridiculously lucky to be friends with him. And despite our current relationship, which is pretty close, I don't believe he wants anything else.

I think I'll post about other relationships much more in depth later. But I have been talking to Peter and Mike (whom I met at the end of last year... see earlier posts) quite a bit lately.

Until then.