life imitates art

I read Twilight again, and I'm halfway through New Moon right now.

I'm not sure if I should be reading these books... it was taking my attention away from God. And I'm worried that it will stick me right back into my "romanticized" version of life. Where romantic love is the most important thing. Where I commit idolatry with romantic love. But it's better to learn self control than to cut it out altogether, I think.

I've been struck as to how closely these books have resembled my relationship with Michael.

In Twilight, he is Edward. There's always a cautious space between us, we are undefined. I'm always waiting on him. Always worried that he will leave me, for some stupid, noble reason. His self control certainly exceeds mine. And I am constantly baffled that he even talks to me.

And in New Moon, he is Bella, and I am Jacob. We fit so well together, and I am obviously in love with him. And he likes me... sort of. But I'm willing to wait.

I miss him. It's been a week, and it will be at least one more week until I can see him. I wonder if he misses me at all?

: write your heart out

So I will. Simply and plainly, this is what is in my heart and on my mind.

I haven't worn my retainer in over a year. My teeth are moving. I can't afford braces again, nor do I want them. I'm going to have to deal with my teeth the way they are. Oh well. But I should get a new retainer. That, too, costs money.

I did badly (academically) this semester. I got my first college C. I need to do much better from now on or I won't be in medical school.

My family is driving me nuts. They care about nothing I care about. They argue incessantly about stupid, petty things. I can't wait to move out again.

I've never been in a better place spiritually. I'm finally reading the Bible, and understanding it. I'm going to church. I'm praying. I actually think about God most of the time.

Michael introduced me to his family. I visited them in Winter Haven twice this past week. We went water skiing. I like them a lot. It's easy there, not awkward.

I know he likes me. I love being with him.

I'm jealous of this girl we know named Megan. Because they went camping together, and they're friends, and she's a lot like him. And she's very pretty. I know he likes me, but I wonder if I was his second choice. But I have to remind myself that he's not that kind of guy.

He almost left a few weeks ago. I was shaking and nervous, unable to eat, until he called to tell me he decided to stay, for the time being. I was so relieved.

I'm so worried, though, that he won't be here for long.

When will he be figured out enough to date me? I just want that security so badly.