: )

I'm so happy right now. And the reason is quite silly and selfish.

My philosophy professor, the one I mentioned earlier, posted an essay I wrote for the class as "the best of the class", as an example for everyone else. He said it was "an excellent essay and a pleasure to read". This makes me so happy. This teacher, whom I respect immensely, found something I wrote to be worthwhile. He thought my ideas were great, worthy. I always thought that I was sort of stupid in the class, someone who always points out that which is obvious. But he appreciated my paper, at least. I wouldn't have been this happy about this if it were another teacher. But I respect him so much.

And all this is quite selfish- I'm basing my self-worth on being "the superstar" again. But old habits die hard. When I've been groomed for success, it's hard to break from the mold.

Thoughts I had in the shower the other day.

While I was in the shower a little while ago, I had a great moment of prayer. While under the stream of water, I could hear nothing else. So I tried to think of what I really wanted to say. What I wanted to tell God, honestly and without any distraction. Here's what I said:

Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I love you so much.

You're the cure for the disease, the vice I still need, the cast to the break in my bones.

How is it possible that I can love so much? I think it must have to do with this marked increase in faith. But I feel so much love, so much appreciation for everything and everyone. Or at least a lot more than before. Every tree, every star, every cloud, every song, every person beams with love. I love life. I love.

So I haven't totally resigned the possibility of a romantic relationship with John. But I'm not exactly working toward that end either.

Last night I met this guy at Navigators, named Mike. I always thought he was cute (he's in Christian Philosopher's Society), but out of my league. So I didn't even try to get to know him. But I talked to him a bit, and when he found out that we live in the same building, he said "we should hang out". That's such a small statement, but I have already placed so much by it. Have you heard of the children's book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"? They should make one called "If You Give a Girl an Invitation". I decided to find him on facebook, and he seems really cool. He's very musical. I'll see him tomorrow.

Anyways, here's a song that's been on my mind a lot lately.

A hollow hallelujah hangs in the corner
with the rest of our dissolving years.
You're the storm and the calm
the dove and the bone
the ghost that relieves all my fears
The life is spent from cold
as years and sheets unfold
We'll be able to sleep all alone

The Weight of the World is on top of me
but I wouldn't have you anywhere else
The Weight of the World is on top of me
And I want You here all to myself

Like a land-worthy sailor I even falter at failure
Trying to find my heading back home
You're the cure for the disease
the vice I still need
the cast to the break in my bone
You're the life that's worth living
the hurt and forgiving
You're Jesus to the demons You've put in my head.

The Weight of the World is on top of me
but I wouldn't have you anywhere else
The Weight of the World is on top of me
And I want You here all to myself

I wish you would feel the same.

Hmmm.

My friend from high school (Steven) came over last night. To hang out. It was slightly strange, because we have told each other that we had feelings for each other... and still do, to an extent. He has a girlfriend, so I wasn't expecting anything. Or wanting anything, for that matter. But he gave me a lot to think about. We talked about religion, and philosophy, and eating meat [a new subject for us]. And I determined that I've been living hypocritically. So now, I am an ethical omnivore. I will no longer eat meat which has been cruelly obtained. Which means I'll be cutting out most meat in general.

I talked to my friend Andrew online today, for a while. He's the president of the Christian Philosophers society. We talked of meat eating, responsibility, and drinking. He's a very interesting person. I thought he disliked me, but he told me a few times that he thought I was very nice, and funny. He's seven years older than me. But the other day, he said hi to me in the computer lab, and touched my shoulder. And I got butterflies. Confusing. But I'll chalk that up to his elevated status in my mind. Because he's so pious and good, and older, and nice.

I'm going to drink alcohol, enough to feel the effects, for the first time tomorrow night. Not really a big deal, except that it bothers my best friend. She doesn't think I should drink at all. And I talked about it with John, and he doesn't think I should, because of the people I'll be with. But I'm still doing it.

Speaking of John, I prayed for him. In a very selfish way. I prayed that we would fall in love with each other.



Please.




*addendum: I decided not to drink alcohol that weekend. I talked to John about it, and he convinced me that it just wasn't an ideal situation. Maybe later.

I'm so sorry. How can I get to be innocent again? Now I'm a liar. And I'm so sorry.

So much has changed within the past week or so.
I am changed.

All because of this John, this person who helped me in my faith. I must tell him what a change he's sprung in me.

I feel so much joy. All the time. Everywhere. God is everywhere.

"God is in the rain"

How true.

There's so much I'm feeling, but none of it can be properly put into words. I am not a gifted writer. I wish I were, if only to properly give thanks.