I just realized-

I like quiet people.

psychosomatic.

Yesterday, all of a sudden, I got this horrible feeling. Cold and hot, terrified and devastated. Worried. Lonely. Exactly the feeling I got November 22, when... But this time, it was seemingly unprovoked. Well, kind of. It was right after he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to a friend's house with me. That he might read instead. But that's certainly not worth a breakdown! And he ended up coming with me anyways! And the effects had been wearing off steadily over the past 24 hours.

Then it ended when--- he visited me at work, completely unexpectedly. He was skating with some friends over by the chemistry buildings, and came to get a drink of water, to say hi to me. All of a sudden, I was happy but frustrated. No more loneliness.

What is this? How can I be so affected by the mere presence of this one person?

If this isn't love, then this is the closest I've ever been. The only thing that distinguishes this from love is the problem of reciprocation.

I don't mind, I don't mind

Yesterday:

Church, with Michael.

Beach, with Michael.

Dinner, with Michael.

Library, with Michael.

Home, with Michael.

This is so ridiculous. See my point?

At the beach, we just read most of the time. We got into a conversation a little later about some verses. Then, on the way home, he told me a lot. He told me about what happened around the time he broke up with his ex girlfriend. Well, she broke up with him. And he was devastated. He stopped smoking. She started seeing someone else. Then one day, he went to lettuce lake, and just laid down in a clearing for a while. And he was thinking about everything and nothing. And trying to feel happy for her. Later, he felt like he needed to leave everything behind, as Abraham did. And he decided to go, but first he would tell his parents. He said he didn't even want to leave really, he just felt like he should. But his parents convinced him to stay. And ever since, he's felt like he's been compromising.

This explains so much. He really isn't ready to date anyone right now. It was so hard for me to hear all of this. Because it hurts to imagine him hurting so much.

I wonder if he tells anyone else all of this.

I want to marry him. But I'm not sure he wants me in any lasting manner. And he certainly can't get in that sort of relationship now. But I would feel quite comfortable making that commitment with him, to be honest. Although I would make myself wait.

I thought this was over.

I thought I was done with him. Really. I'd been feeling so much better about the whole situation. I had a few crushes on some other guys. I was okay with the idea that we would always just be friends. I had accepted that he would find some girl some day. No longer.

I'm so frustrated with him.

Yesterday was Valentine's day. By itself, that wouldn't have been an issue at all.

I went to church with he and some friends, and I didn't even sit next to him. We cooked lunch after that, with our friends. Still, the day was normal. Then I casually invited him (and everyone there) to the orchestra concert. And he said yes.

Still, this was relatively alright with me. It was a little weird that we were going to a concert together, dressed up, on valentine's day. And our friends made sure to point this out (they seem to think that I'm the one turning him down. If they only knew). They make jokes about how it was like we were going on a date, and I just blew them off, as I've learned to over the months.

It's been almost three months. I didn't expect this.

And on the way, he said this: "Are you doing anything March 6th? One of my friends is getting married, and they said I could bring someone. And I was wondering if you'd want to go." Does he realize that people typically bring dates to weddings? Not 'just friends'?

This would even be okay if he thought that we were totally just friends, and neither of us have ever been interested in the other. But he knows that I really liked him. And he knows that it hurt me when he said no. So WHY would he do this? What is he thinking?

The worst part is, I'm absolutely ecstatic that there's a possibility that he might, possibly, be remotely interested in me. And if I thought that I just needed to wait for him, I would. If I found out that I would need to wait for twenty years, I would. But I don't know this.

I'm so afraid that this has given me all this hope all of a sudden, and it's just going to happen all over again.

Right now, I'm his number one. The girl he brings to weddings. But what if he will never be interested in me? And then one day, he's going to meet another girl. And he'll fall in love with her. And I'll fall off the face of the earth.

And I want him to have that. But I want him to have it in one of two ways: 1) with me. 2) absolutely without me. without giving me ridiculous hope.

He's the most serious boyfriend I've ever had. And we're not even dating. We act like a couple, though. We always go to parties together, we talk to each other almost every day. People expect us to know where the other is at all times. We are intimate, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. We don't always talk in the car. But it's very normal-feeling.

I can't stop fantasizing now about what it would be like if we were to get married. But I'm so afraid that this is just stupid.

But what if? What if he just needs time, he really just doesn't feel like dating for now? What if he'll come around in a year?

And what if I waste a year longing for him? And he falls in love with someone else? And I'm heartbroken- again?

I thought I was done. I thought this was over.

and the phoenix rises again

I think I'm over Michael.

But it's only because I'm falling for another.
He's very similar to Michael, they even share a name. He's just more motivated, a little more 'normal'. They know each other, they get along quite well.

I wish I could stop.
But I'd rather something just work out for once.