I could offer you a warm embrace

My sister noticed that Michael and I were talking a lot on facebook. She asked me about it the other day, but I just blew it off with some jokes. But this morning, she tells me that she sent him a message on facebook, asking what was going on with us. He responded: "Hi Tori's sister. I couldn't really tell you what's going on. She's a good girl, and I'm a directionless young man. Time will tell."

So I guess that means we're not just friends? When I first heard this, I was so ecstatic. I know he doesn't like committing to things he's not sure he can do. So it's understandable that he wouldn't want to make promises to me if he's not even sure what he's doing next month. I can only pray that he'll come back here to stay at some point, and he'll have things figured out. So we can be together.

An email exchange between Michael and I:

I'm a little worried... given your status, and the things we've been talking about lately.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

Let me know if there's something I can help you with.

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Thank you.

The status, it's just something I see in myself... all the time.

"For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that [it is] good. But now, [it is] no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but [how] to perform what is good I do not find.For the good that I will [to do], I do not do; but the evil I will not [to do], that I practice. Now if I do what I will not [to do], it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?"

I pray, "Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous [sins]; Let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, And I shall be innocent of great transgression." and then, consciously, act unwisely.

I know the thing it comes down to too. I want things to be my way, on principle. So long as I have the "security" of "control". The one thing I can't do in a lasting, absolute way is change that principle. I can make steps, but it will always go so far and then get to something that stops me. I need God to give me his way, so that that's what I act from, on principle. Then there's no more tension. Anything could come up. It won't matter. I'll obey, on principle. I know that's what I need but I don't want it.
I think that has to do with belief. If I really believed what Jesus said, trusted it, relied on it like I rely on myself, and culture, and opinion, especially if I relied on it more than those things (like I should), I wouldn't be afraid to want it. From belief, obedience.

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"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

I think the key here is patience. You're absolutely right, this is something that is wrong and should be fixed. But do you think that you're alone in this problem? If Paul in all his wisdom suffered with his own sinfulness, then certainly we should not be surprised to find the same problem within ourselves. Again, I don't mean to minimize the problem. But isn't it wonderful that you're aware of it? It will take time for you to give up "control", but certainly, in time, it will happen.

I couldn't think of a more perfect verse than this:

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you with all joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace."

Be a son, not a slave.

I'll be in tampa for the majority of the weekend.

I meant that last verse wholeheartedly.

Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, "[It is] not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."

where your treasure lies, there your heart will be also

Yesterday, Michael and I went to see "Where the Wild Things Are." It was a "Movies on the Lawn" thing, sponsored by Aletheia Church. And afterwards he was so strange. Every now and then, I can just feel how confused he is. He gets quiet and avoids people. Someone was trying to talk to him, but gave up. And I said, halfway jokingly, "I think he's trying to figure you out". And he replied, "That makes two of us."

It hurts so much to see him struggling.

After the movie, we went back to his apartment. He didn't talk for a long time. Finally, he told me that he felt like Prince Rilian in The Silver Chair... but unsure whither he was the sane or enchanted Rilian. He said that every now and then, he thinks he sees the world for what it really is, and he's not the type of person that can exist in that world.

Then we listened to the end of a sermon we'd listened to earlier with Camille, and another one. Afterwards, we just sat around and talked for a long time. It was kind of weird, like he wanted me to stay longer. Usually, he's the one to break things off. But even when he noted that it was 4am, he kept showing me different songs, bringing up different topics.

He's not leaving for Orlando. I'm so incredibly relieved. He may be going to Salvation Mountain for a few months in the summer, but he'll be back. And I think it'll be good for him to spend that time with his brother, without distractions.

To be honest, I hope that he'll come back ready. Ready to be with me.