Last night, he came over to watch American Beauty with Brittany, Davina, and I. He left kind of early. During the movie, we were sitting pretty closely- usually our legs or shoulders were touching, but nothing else. And when I went to sleep last night, I could smell him on my pillow. I can still smell him on my comforter.
I'm going to find out what's going on here. If something is going on at all. First, I will ask Andrew. Then, unless Andrew tells me that he's definitely not interested, I'm going to ask Michael. Well, I probably won't ask him anything. I'll probably just tell him that I'm very worried that I care for him much more than he cares for me. And I'll see how he responds.
I prayed last night that if this turns out badly, that God helps me maintain my faith. Because Mike's become so entwined with it. Michael is bound up with my faith and my happiness, my desires and goals, my thoughts... hopefully not inextricably.
Please Lord, I pray that this goes well. I pray that I don't lose You in any manner, no matter what happens.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
unsure
We've been hanging out over the past few weeks, pretty much every night. But I'm not sure if he still likes me... in that way. Sometimes, I worry we're always going to be just friends. And that's okay, but certainly not what I want.
Friday, October 9, 2009
dizzy up the girl
Last night was full. I'm just going to start from the beginning.
First, Phi Org. I wasn't having a great time, because Michael was sitting between Holly and Kate. And Kate is really pretty. And it bothers me that Holly hangs out with Mike a lot. But this part wasn't very interesting. After the meeting, we decided to all go to Michael's place for noodles. While we were talking and deciding, Michael and I looked at each other straight in the eyes for several seconds straight. It's weird, that I want to do that so badly with him.
At Michael's, it was just me, Mike, Kalvin, and Terrence. And we just talked for a while. Holly came after a bit. We played guitar and violin for a little while. Then we went to Skipper's Smokehouse.
When we got there, Mike asked me if I wanted to dance or talk. I wouldn't decide, so we danced. I was really self-conscious about it at first, but eventually we were holding hands and jumping around like crazy. It was so much fun and so tiring. I still can't believe I did that. Then we sat down and talked for a while. At one point while we were talking, he was looking at my eyes, and looked at my lips for a second. Like he wanted to kiss me. And I definitely would have let him. After that, we joined this drum circle, which was really fun. Some people really got into it. Then we left and went to Kate's house.
As soon as we walked in, we started playing some drinking game called "hot dice". I think I had two glasses (wine glasses... a funny attempt to make me drink. it worked. ) of beer, so that's really nothing. But I think I got a little buzzed, which was nice, because I was able to really have fun. A little later Michael and I sat down and talked for a long time. Then we left, went back to Michael's place, and then Terrence left.
Then Michael picked up my violin and walked me outside to my car. And when we hugged goodbye, we kept hugging for longer than usual. I would have stayed there forever. I almost felt like he was going to say or do something. But alas, nothing else. The night was good enough, though. I spent nearly twelve hours straight with him.
He does so many small kind things, things I'm sure he doesn't even think about, things that make him wonderful. Like when I broke a glass, he helped me clean it up without hesitation. And he unlocks my door first. And he always asks me if I want to go. And he broke bread for me. And he listens to whatever I say. And he genuinely listened to a rant about the molarity of salt in water. And he loves. And he carried my violin for me. And he gets me a drink. And he is still friends with his ex-girlfriend. And he pays attention to other people. And he tries to help me have fun. And he tried to get me to play drums. And he smiles at me.
First, Phi Org. I wasn't having a great time, because Michael was sitting between Holly and Kate. And Kate is really pretty. And it bothers me that Holly hangs out with Mike a lot. But this part wasn't very interesting. After the meeting, we decided to all go to Michael's place for noodles. While we were talking and deciding, Michael and I looked at each other straight in the eyes for several seconds straight. It's weird, that I want to do that so badly with him.
At Michael's, it was just me, Mike, Kalvin, and Terrence. And we just talked for a while. Holly came after a bit. We played guitar and violin for a little while. Then we went to Skipper's Smokehouse.
When we got there, Mike asked me if I wanted to dance or talk. I wouldn't decide, so we danced. I was really self-conscious about it at first, but eventually we were holding hands and jumping around like crazy. It was so much fun and so tiring. I still can't believe I did that. Then we sat down and talked for a while. At one point while we were talking, he was looking at my eyes, and looked at my lips for a second. Like he wanted to kiss me. And I definitely would have let him. After that, we joined this drum circle, which was really fun. Some people really got into it. Then we left and went to Kate's house.
As soon as we walked in, we started playing some drinking game called "hot dice". I think I had two glasses (wine glasses... a funny attempt to make me drink. it worked. ) of beer, so that's really nothing. But I think I got a little buzzed, which was nice, because I was able to really have fun. A little later Michael and I sat down and talked for a long time. Then we left, went back to Michael's place, and then Terrence left.
Then Michael picked up my violin and walked me outside to my car. And when we hugged goodbye, we kept hugging for longer than usual. I would have stayed there forever. I almost felt like he was going to say or do something. But alas, nothing else. The night was good enough, though. I spent nearly twelve hours straight with him.
He does so many small kind things, things I'm sure he doesn't even think about, things that make him wonderful. Like when I broke a glass, he helped me clean it up without hesitation. And he unlocks my door first. And he always asks me if I want to go. And he broke bread for me. And he listens to whatever I say. And he genuinely listened to a rant about the molarity of salt in water. And he loves. And he carried my violin for me. And he gets me a drink. And he is still friends with his ex-girlfriend. And he pays attention to other people. And he tries to help me have fun. And he tried to get me to play drums. And he smiles at me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Within you Without you
Last night, JFN. Then jam session at Michael's place, with his brother. Then his brother left for a while, and we talked, about love, mostly. Oddly enough, the song "within you without you" encompasses what we talked about. Then we listened to Bob Dylan.
But I wanted to write about something that has happened a few times now. Sometimes, he looks at me differently, like he's really looking at me. And at those moments, I can't seem to breathe for a few seconds. And I get so nervous. I hate to compare this to twilight, but it really fits perfectly. He dazzles me. I thought I understood what that meant... but now I think I really understand. What else do I have to learn?
I feel I must tell the whole truth here, even if I'm scared to really think it, for fear I'm wrong. But when he looks at me "differently", I wonder if he's looking at me with love, with adoration. I look at him like that all the time.
But I wanted to write about something that has happened a few times now. Sometimes, he looks at me differently, like he's really looking at me. And at those moments, I can't seem to breathe for a few seconds. And I get so nervous. I hate to compare this to twilight, but it really fits perfectly. He dazzles me. I thought I understood what that meant... but now I think I really understand. What else do I have to learn?
I feel I must tell the whole truth here, even if I'm scared to really think it, for fear I'm wrong. But when he looks at me "differently", I wonder if he's looking at me with love, with adoration. I look at him like that all the time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)