I can bend and not break. Or I can break and take it with a smile.

So the agnostic loves someone else. I can't blame him, she's beautiful, smart, funny, and really just overall great. I just met her about two months ago, but I can see us becoming good friends.

But last night, I was hanging out in the lounge, and the two of them walked in, nicely dressed. They had just gone to a movie. Together. Alone. Then they left, and several of my friends started asking if "something is going on between them". Basically, yes.

I was heartbroken. My stomach was already declaring war on me, but it got exponentially worse within those few catacalysmic seconds. While my friends were lightheartedly debating if the two of them had just gone on a date, I was supressing the vomit. I kept a smile, fiercely hoping that no one could read into what I was sure was a terrified expression.

I left, blaming my sour stomach for my inability to function and socialize. Then I sulked. The pain was really unbearable, and there was nothing I could do. He doesn't want me. And I'm absolutely sure now. Luckily, my lovely roommate and very good friend helped me so well. We made stupid paper snowflakes and listened to Christmas music. She patiently listening while I complained. But I really felt better. I didn't go to sleep until very late, and I still don't have my appetite back quite yet. But I'm better.

If this is what happens after a little rejection, with a boy (albeit a perfect one) I've only known for two months, Lord knows what will happen if I ever get dumped. Assuming I ever enter a relationship.

But I'm better. I just talked to him a little, and I didn't gag the entire time. I'm focusing on his flaws. He has short legs. As if that matters. But I have to find something to make me move on.


I can break and take it with a smile.

I would prefer to have just one more painful glimpse of you than for you to disappear.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!

CAN'T YOU TELL THAT I LOVE YOU?

why.

this one is hopeless as well. he is PERFECT. PERFECT. PERFECT. PERFECT. PERFECT.

why.

I found Galatea, but she is disinterested as usual.

It always happens this way.

I think I found my soulmate.
And I'm so far from kidding it's ridiculous.

I talked to that boy, the one I want to witness to, the agnostic, the other night.

It was 1 am and we were in the lounge. Our mutual friend had just left for her room. I was about to leave as well, but decided to finish a philisophical conversation we had started regarding the nature of evil and the possibility of truth.

Somehow music came up. Along with prayer and meditation. And I've never heard anyone speak my thoughts so well as this one boy did. VALIDATION. He loves music like I do, more than anything. He told me that when he listens to classical, he just can't do anything else, it's complete bliss. Like in A Clockwork Orange. And I never knew anyone felt that way, too.

He told me that if anything could convince him of God's existence, that it would be music.

That he wishes, above all else, for truth to exist. But he's not sure.

Who knew that there was someone this perfect in the world? Certainly not I.

If I were Pygmalion creating my Galatea, she would take the form of this agnostic.

Because although he is one of the least religious people I have ever met, he is the most moral and good person I think I've ever met.

I told him this, and he said he would apply the latter to me.



Now I want him. so badly. I want to matter as much to him as he matters to me. I want to learn him inside out. But why would he ever want me? What am I to do?

the pursuit of happiness

I am far too happy.

Seriously. are people allowed to be genuinely happy? Everywhere I look, people are suffering, their lives are in turmoil. Marriages are constantly failing, friendships are constantly breaking.

But I really am happy.

The only thing I would change about my life is that I want to be in love. And that's a big deal. But that's it. Seriously. THE ONLY THING.

My life is pretty fantastic otherwise.

Am I allowed to be this happy?

ALL I WANT IS LOVE. I would trade my happiness for love. I would trade my intelligence, my wealth. Does that make me just as unhappy as everyone else? I don't really think so. Because for the most part, I try to forget about the love thing. I push it out of my mind.

So I am happy.

Even if no one else is.

I wikipedia'd God today.