Summer is near, and I'm the only person dreading it.

I only have one more week here. And I won't see Mike again until next fall. That's four months. Life will be on hold for four months. It's going to be so boring.

This year has been so amazing. I've never met so many interesting people, had so many vital conversations, or learned so much.

Wednesday night, Navigators again. I walked back with Mike again. Nothing spectacular. But I'm really sad that this will be on hold for so long. Instead of the usual sermon, different people took the mic to share what they had learned that year, in terms of faith. Mike went up, told us how he learned that he needs to include God in his plans... like when he tries to share the gospel with his roommate. I could tell how much he loves his roommate. Eventually, I decided to go up as well, even though I was sure no one could care less as to what I had to say. But I did. I told everyone that I've learned that I really suck. That although I usually take care of things all by myself, I learned that I really do need other people, and God. Because sometimes I have questions that I can't answer myself. I thanked John for being so helpful.

Thursday night was so strange. It was the last day of Existentialism, the last day of class with my favorite Philosophy teacher. But he invited the class out to Dunderbak's. So I went. A little before I had to leave, I ended up talking to my teacher. I told him that I play violin, and he said that he decided at 16 that although he loved the violin, he never wanted to play it. And we talked about how we envision these alternate lives for ourselves. He envisioned himself a carpenter, building boats, or as a pianist. And I would love to be a concert violinist, or a philosopher. But we chose our paths, and it's only our perfectionist tendencies that cause us pain. Because we don't want to just pursue multiple goals without perfection. All or nothing. I will miss him so much. He complimented me on my paper as well. He said it was very well written, easy to understand, very clear. I wish I could have talked to him longer.

That night John also got drunk. It was really quite disheartening- to see this person I respect so much resemble my father so much. My father, who I detest. My father, who I have no respect for. So I drove John home. As I fell asleep last night, I thought of how badly he represented the Christian faith, especially with our teacher there. I think Ben could find faith. But how does he think of John, now? I thought of how that might have set him back in finding God. And then I was filled with this rush of love for Ben. I think that was God, showing me how much he loves Ben. It's overwhelming. I want him to find faith.

And earlier today, I was feeling very pessimistic, because I slept through my biology exam this morning. But all these wonderful songs kept popping up on my zune. And then, as I was listening to Clair de Lune, I felt like the veil of sin was lifted, for a moment. I saw how utterly beautiful everything is, I felt such love for everything and everyone. God is in the rain.

I need a fix in those heroin eyes.

Although I was nastily sick this week, it turned out to be great.

Monday- As my roommate's sister and I were walking to the C3 store to get some dayquil, we ran into Mike. We talked for a little bit, and he mentioned something about the awkward turtle thing I showed him.

Tuesday- I played Concerto 3 in G Major by Mozart a bit with Sam, and later the other elements of the Navs praise band came in and hung out for a while as they were waiting for practice to start. And Mike was among them. He joined Sam and I at dinner for a short period of time.

Wednesday- At Navigators, I didn't really talk to him much at all, since he was busy talking to other people and everything. I was trying to think of a way to give him the opportunity to walk with me back home. But I didn't want to be too pushy in case he wasn't interested. So I hung around for a while, talking to people. Then he came up to me, and said: "I'm headed back to the dorm. Do you want to come with me?". And obviously I said yes. So I walked with him and this other guy back to his room, carrying one of the guitars.

When we got to his room, he started playing his keyboard. and so I messed around with the tuning wheel, and he just played around. He's actually quite good at it. He played the House theme song! Then we looked at some videos on YouTube, watched the entirety of Caprice 24 by Paganini, and he showed me what sweep picking is. So then we left his room, and I could tell that he and this other guy were going to Andros, but I didn't want to be pushy- especially if I was unwanted. So I started heading back to my room, and he said: "You aren't coming?". So then I ended up going.

At Andros, he told his friend Rohan to stop being stupid. Rohan said "It's because your Christian friends are here, isn't it?". But Mike replied, "No, it's because Victoria's here." I'm not sure what that means. But a little later, we were doing some handshake thing, so I got to hold his hand for a bit. He has really warm, big hands. Not much else really happened that's worth writing down. But he is such a nice guy. I would be so lucky if he even looked my way for a second.

So now I have no guarantee of seeing him again until Wednesday. I need a fix in those heroin eyes.

He is risen!

Easter. And I enjoyed church today. For the first time in a long time. I loved church. My Grandma's Lutheran church. This is the first Easter at which I really enjoyed and understood the holiday. I liked the music. I loved the holy communion. Wonderful.

Wordle of this blog

When it's a friend you need, let it be me.

He sat next to me.

I went to the Christian group again on Wednesday, and he sat next to me. I sat next to my friend, and after he had gotten up to do the second round of music, he sat next to me, not where he was sitting before. He had this purple pick in his mouth, and dropped it, then smiled at me. Then he put it in his keychain.

After the sermon, I asked if I could help pack anything up, and he said no, but I could help carry stuff back. So I helped my friend pack up her violin. Later, as I was talking to my friend, he came by and handed me his bass guitar. So I put it on, and said something about how I had no idea how to play it. So he showed me a little bit. After I had been playing for a bit, I complained as to how the strings hurt my fingers. I showed him my fingers, and he held my hand! It was so exciting at the moment. How cliche, the guy teaching me how to play his guitar. Then he played it a bit, and I tried to listen, but you can't hear a bass guitar without an amp. So he turned around in hopes of the acoustics being more favorable. Well, I still could hardly hear it, but that's not the point.

At this point, I talked to some other people, waiting to help carry equipment. When we started walking back, we talked about some random things, nothing too heavy or interesting. Although I did find out that he'll be living in the same building, on the same floor, as me next year. That's really good. I dropped off the hand drum I was carrying in his room, met his roommate, and then we left (he was bringing something up to his friend on the fourth floor). I suggested that we needed to plan a time to "hang out", and he said maybe finals week : ( I hope that wasn't a way of putting it off. Maybe he decided he wasn't interested. I won't bring it up again, just in case.

Otherwise, I just realized how many guy friends I have. It's ridiculous. Just in this week, I've had meaningful conversations with three guys that are at least five years older than me. It just happens that way. I talked to John, and he's been having some difficulties with faith. I'm really worried about him. Then I talked to my friend Mike about it. He's really nice as well- a lot more liberal than most of the people in Christian Philosopher's Society.

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Sometimes I just feel so full with the beauty, goodness, and joy of the world. I am so happy. My cup runneth over.

I love college. I love my friends. I love trees. I love you. I love nature. I love music. I love philosophy. I love God. I love outside. I love inside. I love science. I love books. I love.

And yet again, the only thing I could possibly want is to love. Not the kinds of love I already have, which are listed above. You know what I mean. But why should I be given this? I have already been given so much that others don't have. But I can't help feeling that this is the greatest worldly love, this love which I have never experienced. I think I would give up my love of the world for this kind of love.

vital, soft, moss-green eyes.

Last night I went to a Christian youth group. Where I got to see Mike again.

At first, he was talking to other people. And I had no idea how I'd talk to him. But I knew I had to. So I pulled together all of my courage, that gossamer, dusty fabric of my being. And I just walked up and joined his conversation.

"You live in Cypress A, right?"
"Yeah. Where do you live?"
"I live there, too. Remember, we already discussed this."
"Oh yeah... hey we really should hang out."
"Uh huh?"
"Definitely. There may be some chilling involved. Maybe some general talking. And some hanging."
"Can we hang with instruments? I like instruments."
"Sure."
"That way we can jam."

That's not an exact transcript, but it captures the general mood. He asked me to hang out, again! So later I mentioned my Beatles fakebook, and hopefully we'll get together soon to hang out. Gosh I hope so.

A little later, after we'd mingled with some other people, we started talking again. This time, we talked for probably twenty minutes. We talked about music- what kinds we like, specific bands, songs, etcetera. He seemed impressed that I knew a bit about classical music (when I distinguished the genre of classical music from the time period, he said, "oh! so you know!"). When I asked him if he knew Adagio for Strings, he wrote it down, and we kind of had a cute flirty moment as I tried to take the pen and paper from him. When we were talking with other people again, I did notice him look at my chest a few times- nothing cheap or anything, just quick glances. I hope that means he's physically attracted to me. That would help.

He is such an improvement. I know I say that every (or nearly every) guy I like is perfect, but each time I believe it's true. He is into music. Like real, classical music. And he plays music. And he's Christian. And he's nice, and kind of awkward. And he has these beautiful green eyes.