Home. Summer.

Summer. I've been home for about two months now. I miss posting here, but I don't have as much free time, oddly enough. I like being able to reflect on my thoughts. It's odd, because I write this as if someone is reading it (even now), though I know no one reads this. I suppose a maintenance of perspective helps the blog's rhetoric flow better.

So about a week ago, I began to feel the way I feel every summer. This empty, hopeless, bored, longing. I could feel myself sinking into my own brand of seasonal depression- quite the opposite of what most experience. I decided to pray about it. I was inspired to do this, as I thought of Mike. On the last day of Navs, on the day we all shared what we learned in that year (which I discussed in the last post), Mike talked about how he decided, one day, to pray about a problem he'd been having. It seems so simple, yet it is oft overlooked. God is a part of our lives. We just have to ask him for help. So I prayed.

I began, "Lord, I'm sure I'm not in the right place [mentally and spiritually] to receive you right now, but..." and then I felt this overwhelming... fullness. I don't know how to describe the feeling. But I knew that God was showing me that He is present in me, and He will always be available to me. I don't have to be in "the right place". It felt like every nerve within me caught on fire, starting somewhere around my head, and reaching throughout my entire body. I could feel myself simultaneously trying to stop it, and to keep it. But the sensation was not mine to control. And immediately, I felt so hopeful. God cured this illness, this depression in me. I need Him.

Man does not live on bread alone.

My friend Mike, who is in Christian Philosophers Society, recently emailed me the parable of the vineyard. And I found it difficult to understand, because of one truth I have discovered about myself. I find it exceedingly easy to be rationally just, but terribly difficult to be irrationally loving. This reminds me of a theme in existentialism. The most base level of anything is usually the irrational, the unconscious, Dmitri, the "animal". Then the next level (which some perceive as the only other level) is the rational, the conscious, Ivan, the human. But the highest level is that of the angels. It is this level which is simultaneously rational and irrational, unifying consciousness with unconsciousness. An existence made possible only by infinite love. This is Father Zossima. And I have such difficulties with it.

Which reminds me- I watched "Doubt" the other day. It was great. I loved the last line in the movie: "I have such doubts". Fantastic.

This entry is so long! I just have had so much progress within these two months (albeit not quite the same rate as during the year).

I've also had a lot of thoughts about marriage lately. I've decided on a few essential qualities in a husband. 1) He must challenge me and support me spiritually. He should strive to be like Christ above all else. 2) He must love me so much, that he could not begin to think of ever, ever cheating. 3) He must love our children infinitely more than me, such that he would do anything for them.

And that's all I require. I've also contemplated what marriage is. And I've come to realize that divorce really is impossible. Because marriage unites two people into one. It's not just a bond, it's an oath, a promise, a joining of two into "one flesh". Therefore, marriage must be approached with utmost care. This is something that requires years of consideration.

And on a lighter note, I saw the wonderful Manchester orchestra yet again. They are so good. I don't even have anything to say about it, now that I come to the final section of this entry. They are just amazing. I also saw Audrye Sessions, and they were very good as well. I bought their CD.

Until I get another chance, goodbye.