Last night I went to a meeting of "Jesus, Friends, Nature", a sort of offshoot of Christian Philosopher's Society. It was brilliant. It's so nice to have a great group of people to discuss biblical issues with. And they're so nice. But the part I really want to write about happened after the official meeting, when we relocated to Starbucks.
At Starbucks, we talked about the possibility of free will for a while. That was interesting enough, but eventually we sort of divided into two conversations- Andrew and Daniel talking about some specific passage, and then Mike and I just talking about random things.
I find Mike to be completely fascinating. I think it's the way his mind works or something. I love his mannerisms, his opinions. He's a lot more liberal than Andrew, and I do like that about him. He's more open to other opinions. We talked about how church should be (we both love the idea of an outdoors church), of keeping a journal, of the privacy of thoughts, of the moon, of the possibility of unknowing believers. It was so nice. We even talked about emotion, and I told him about my issue with Grandpa's death. That I'm still not sad. He's so interesting. There are times when I look at him, and I just think, how beautiful he is. Really. He's not traditionally good-looking, but I find him beautiful. And I'm not sure that I "like" him or anything. He just fascinates me. At one point, we talked about our journals, and how we would both be mortified if people read what we wrote about them, even if it is flattering. And I wonder what he would think if he read this.
I suppose I should write another thing down. I'm ashamed of it. Last weekend, only this new guy Ricky and I were in lab. And I had a slight crush on him. Nothing serious, but enough to make me want to dress up a little, try to catch his eye. Which was wrong, because he has a girlfriend. And normally this is okay with me, because normally the guy doesn't take notice of me. But Ricky did. I thought he was acting a little bit flirtatious, but I convinced myself that I was just hoping. But then he offered me a back massage, out of the blue. And I accepted, because, being hateful and selfish, I wanted him to like me. But I couldn't shake the feeling that it was completely wrong. He should not have offered. And I should not have said yes. And now I feel terrible. But I guess I learned my lesson. I think the worst part is, that I feel slightly better about myself because he was attracted to me. And I know that's wrong, too.
But I don't want to end with that. Today, I saw Mike again, with a friend of his. And Mike said, "Hey Dave, this is Victoria, the one who injects rats". And I like that he told his friend about me. That's really all I care about from that statement. That I mattered enough to him, that he thought to mention me to his friend.
Enough for the journal entry. Here are some of my thoughts as of late:
I just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia. It was great. I cannot envision a better characterization of God than Aslan. He is perfect. And I loved the end of the book, how Lewis describes heaven as being the form of our earth now. Like Plato. Now, we are in the "shadowlands". But everything in heaven will be much more real. Another aspect I liked was the story of a Tarkaan soldier. This Tarkaan worshiped the demon god Tash all his life, but he was a good person. And so Aslan accepted him into his kingdom. Because no good deed can truly be done unto Tash, as no bad deed can truly be done unto Aslan. So the Tarkaan really was worshipping Aslan. This gives me hope for people who don't worship God explicitly, but exhibit so much of what God desires in us. Like the agnostic. I still love him.
Also, in my conversation with Mike last night, I mentioned this lyric by Death Cab for Cutie: "a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere". And that's what the Holy Spirit seems to be to me. It's so beautiful.
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