But seek first the Kingdom of God

I talked to him last Sunday. I can't believe it's been a week. It was easy to lead into the question, because a woman assumed we were dating earlier, and people at Aletheia bothered us about dating as well. I just asked him how I should respond. At first, he was very vague and confusing. He sort of hinted around at it... and eventually I forced him into a corner. He's not interested. A few things I want to remember him saying... "I just want to be as good a friend to people as they'll let me." "I used to never let myself have close friends that were girls... Holly is probably the first I've had." "I'm just not in the right place for dating right now." "I'm horrible at this relationship stuff. Even with Priscilla, it was just recognizing what had happened."

Monday was horrible. Tuesday was a little better. And the long weekend home, focusing on other things helped. It still hurts a little. But the weird thing is, I haven't lost him. I still have him as a close friend. Nothing has really changed, at least from his perspective.

I've been feeling hopeful the past few days. I pray that the hope is warranted.

"are you guys dating?"

This past weekend, Florida Philosophical Association Conference. Sydney, Bianca, Danny, Alex, Michael and I went. It was really fun, and there were quite a few really interesting presentations. But that's recorded in my other journal. This is where I'll post the silly girly things that happened. Saturday night, Michael and I went downstairs in the hotel to read for a bit, and we ended up talking for a few hours, per usual. Then Sunday, all of us went to the mall on one of the breaks. Danny and Alex went to a restaurant. Sydney and Bianca went shopping together. And Michael and I wandered around together. We went to FYE at one point, looking through cds. Then we were talking to a guy who worked there about the movie New Moon. And the guy asked Michael, "Is she gonna drag you to go see this?" Like we were dating.

That night, when we got home, Michael and I went to Panera. When I got there, he was talking to a homeless woman. It's so beautiful, how he does those things. I sat down and talked with them for a while. She was really nice. It made me feel pretty guilty for all the things I have. At one point, she asked me, "Do you live in the apartments over there with him?" Like we live together. Then Michael and I talked for a while, and didn't get any studying done.

Sunday morning, I went to church with Andrew and Michael. We had a good conversation on the way back. I love that we can be so silent together. Later, at JFN, we went to Aletheia church on campus. It was interesting- very different from church that morning, very youth-oriented. After Aletheia, we went to the church leader's house to hang out. We spent most of the time talking with Daniel. When Michael got up to get something to eat, Daniel asked me if we were dating. I said no, but that it was a really good question, that I have no idea what's going on. Then, when we were talking to our friend Camille, he flat out asked, in front of both of us, "Are you guys dating?" And I just responded, "oh... umm... no." How was I supposed to respond to that?! I need to know. I've got to talk to him.

Words like violence break the silence

He is so incredible. So caring. So thoughtful. So interesting. So handsome.

I need to talk to him, so I can start getting over him if I need to.

decision

Last night, he came over to watch American Beauty with Brittany, Davina, and I. He left kind of early. During the movie, we were sitting pretty closely- usually our legs or shoulders were touching, but nothing else. And when I went to sleep last night, I could smell him on my pillow. I can still smell him on my comforter.

I'm going to find out what's going on here. If something is going on at all. First, I will ask Andrew. Then, unless Andrew tells me that he's definitely not interested, I'm going to ask Michael. Well, I probably won't ask him anything. I'll probably just tell him that I'm very worried that I care for him much more than he cares for me. And I'll see how he responds.

I prayed last night that if this turns out badly, that God helps me maintain my faith. Because Mike's become so entwined with it. Michael is bound up with my faith and my happiness, my desires and goals, my thoughts... hopefully not inextricably.

Please Lord, I pray that this goes well. I pray that I don't lose You in any manner, no matter what happens.

unsure

We've been hanging out over the past few weeks, pretty much every night. But I'm not sure if he still likes me... in that way. Sometimes, I worry we're always going to be just friends. And that's okay, but certainly not what I want.

dizzy up the girl

Last night was full. I'm just going to start from the beginning.

First, Phi Org. I wasn't having a great time, because Michael was sitting between Holly and Kate. And Kate is really pretty. And it bothers me that Holly hangs out with Mike a lot. But this part wasn't very interesting. After the meeting, we decided to all go to Michael's place for noodles. While we were talking and deciding, Michael and I looked at each other straight in the eyes for several seconds straight. It's weird, that I want to do that so badly with him.

At Michael's, it was just me, Mike, Kalvin, and Terrence. And we just talked for a while. Holly came after a bit. We played guitar and violin for a little while. Then we went to Skipper's Smokehouse.

When we got there, Mike asked me if I wanted to dance or talk. I wouldn't decide, so we danced. I was really self-conscious about it at first, but eventually we were holding hands and jumping around like crazy. It was so much fun and so tiring. I still can't believe I did that. Then we sat down and talked for a while. At one point while we were talking, he was looking at my eyes, and looked at my lips for a second. Like he wanted to kiss me. And I definitely would have let him. After that, we joined this drum circle, which was really fun. Some people really got into it. Then we left and went to Kate's house.

As soon as we walked in, we started playing some drinking game called "hot dice". I think I had two glasses (wine glasses... a funny attempt to make me drink. it worked. ) of beer, so that's really nothing. But I think I got a little buzzed, which was nice, because I was able to really have fun. A little later Michael and I sat down and talked for a long time. Then we left, went back to Michael's place, and then Terrence left.

Then Michael picked up my violin and walked me outside to my car. And when we hugged goodbye, we kept hugging for longer than usual. I would have stayed there forever. I almost felt like he was going to say or do something. But alas, nothing else. The night was good enough, though. I spent nearly twelve hours straight with him.

He does so many small kind things, things I'm sure he doesn't even think about, things that make him wonderful. Like when I broke a glass, he helped me clean it up without hesitation. And he unlocks my door first. And he always asks me if I want to go. And he broke bread for me. And he listens to whatever I say. And he genuinely listened to a rant about the molarity of salt in water. And he loves. And he carried my violin for me. And he gets me a drink. And he is still friends with his ex-girlfriend. And he pays attention to other people. And he tries to help me have fun. And he tried to get me to play drums. And he smiles at me.

Within you Without you

Last night, JFN. Then jam session at Michael's place, with his brother. Then his brother left for a while, and we talked, about love, mostly. Oddly enough, the song "within you without you" encompasses what we talked about. Then we listened to Bob Dylan.

But I wanted to write about something that has happened a few times now. Sometimes, he looks at me differently, like he's really looking at me. And at those moments, I can't seem to breathe for a few seconds. And I get so nervous. I hate to compare this to twilight, but it really fits perfectly. He dazzles me. I thought I understood what that meant... but now I think I really understand. What else do I have to learn?


I feel I must tell the whole truth here, even if I'm scared to really think it, for fear I'm wrong. But when he looks at me "differently", I wonder if he's looking at me with love, with adoration. I look at him like that all the time.